They say 30 million Americans take anti-depressants, which begs the question: What’s up with toothpaste manufacturers?

If so many of us are down in the mouth, why is the toothpaste industry packaging its wares with smiles in mind? If smiling has given way to frowns in American society as witnessed by the millions of anti-depressants we take, why not emphasize cavities and fresh breath in selling toothpaste instead of big ol’ smiles?

Here’s what I mean.

I stood in front of a wall of toothpaste in the store the other day as I was trying to make a selection. OK, Ultra-Brite, an old standard, has been around for years. But this other brand of toothpaste had the words “optic white” on the package. Is that “optic” as in visual or “optic” as in the eye itself? Are they saying make your teeth as white as the whites of your eyes? If so, I know lots of people with bloodshot eyes or yellow, jaundiced eyes. Wouldn’t that make it optic red or optic yellow instead of “optic white” for those toothpaste buyers?

Another brand had “total white” on its package. How is “total white” different from “sparkling white,” which was on another brand of toothpaste? Maybe “total white” is whitewhitewhite; maybe it leaves a finish on the teeth like flat paint. That said, perhaps “sparkling white” has a little gloss to it like enamel paint. If so, then what’s the difference between “sparkling white” and Ultra-Brite?

Yet another brand of toothpaste had the words “Xtra whitening” on the box. Are they telling me if my toothpaste has the capability to make my teeth “total white” there is a stage beyond where there is “Xtra whitening?” If it’s “total,” can there be “Xtra?” I thought total meant all there is. Now I find out there is apparently whitening beyond “total white.” Does that hold true for “max white,” which is what yet another brand of toothpaste claimed to deliver?

And what about “3-D white?” Is the toothpaste manufacturer saying that if I brush with his product and smile, it’s like my teeth will be jumping off a movie screen and coming right at the person I’m smiling at? When I think of “3-D white,” I think of King Kong’s big face filling the movie screen and his gigantic teeth, the size of big blocks of granite, grinding back and forth as he looks at Fay Wray, Jessica Lange or Naomi Watts. Am I going to frighten people when I smile if I use toothpaste that makes my teeth “3-D white?”

Speaking of depression, I’ll you what’s depressing: It’s buying toothpaste and trying to decide which white is the right white for you.

Bob Morgan is a retired, award-winning journalist and an author.