Earlier this week, a dear reader sent me an interesting piece of mail from their municipality, a missive from the water department urging residents there not to flush certain items down the commode.

As I began to scan the full-page list, I doubled over with laughter at the amount of stupefying items that people in that area had apparently tried to get rid of via the “Burial in the Porcelain Pool” method.

Such items included:

Automotive Parts: They didn’t really specify here, so was it just various nuts, bolts and hoses, or did someone try to flush a carburetor piece by piece?

Bones: Again, some specificity might have been helpful here. What kind of bones are we talking about? Are people flushing their KFC remnants or have we got a serial killer here trying to get rid of the evidence bit by sawed-off bit?

Books: Did the water company take into account that someone might have been out of toilet paper and stole a few pages from “Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader” to finish up? Did someone actually try to flush a whole book? (I wouldn’t blame them if it was that “50 Shades” nonsense.)

Bread Dough: How bad do you have to mess up bread dough to consider removal via the commode?

Cake Frosting: Words fail me on this one.

Cement: Surely everyone would know not to do this. Then again, there are always a few idiots out there that prove the necessity of warning labels on everything.

Cheese: There is never a good reason to flush cheese. Whoever did that is a monster that should be hunted down.

Clothing: Again, is someone trying to destroy evidence or are people just lazy?

Compact Discs: How would you even make a CD fit down the toilet to flush it?

Deceased Pets: This one actually caused a good discussion in our office.

We all agreed that goldfish would be okay, as “Burial at Sea” is their traditional send off.

My landlord brought up that hamsters would probably also fit, as the tubes they run around in are around the same size as the average outgoing sewage pipe.

We draw the line at guinea pigs or heavier - mainly because they’d clog your system and have you grasping at straws for an excuse to tell your plumber.

Gravy: Worrisome. Just worrisome.

Houseplants: If you’ve had the synaptic misfire to try to flush your ficus, go ahead. Should be entertaining to watch.

Money: Another object of office discussion - how little money would you reach in for?

The general consensus was $1 in an all-liquid bowl, $5 if there are any ... solids ... inside.

Oatmeal: I could understand flushing Cream of Wheat - awful tasting slop that it is.

But oatmeal never hurt anyone.

Perfume: Just the liquid or the bottle, too? This is vital information we need, water company.

Powders: Vagueness isn’t helpful here. Are we talking talcum powder or did someone try to get rid of their cocaine stash before the cops busted in the door?

Salad Dressing: If it was Russian dressing, fine; if it was ranch, they should be prosecuted for wasting a vital resource.

Syringes: Lazy diabetic or heroin addict getting rid of paraphernalia? You be the judge.

Teeth: Draw your own conclusions, folks.

I spent the better part of the last few days asking friends and colleagues who would flush things like this.

The most common response?

“You don’t have kids, do you, Cliff?”

Cliff McCollum is managing editor of Gulf Coast Media. He can be reached at cliff@gulfcoastmedia.com.