As you well know, this column occasionally takes off on flights of levity, but its underlying purpose is to be useful to its readers, especially those fortunate enough to live down South.

So in the spirit of usefulness, I am going to offer 10 pointers to the baby boomers, that crop of kids who magically emerged after the young men who fought World War II came home exuberantly to the girls they left behind. The result has been a population bulge, often compared to a pig passing through the digestive tract of a boa constrictor. At each stage of its passage, it forced the rest of us to adjust to the bulge. Now the Boomers are entering their 65th year of sliding through the snake and are entering into that wonderful period we know as the golden years of senior citizenship.

Having been born just prior to the war, I have been present at each stage of Boomer passage to watch the bulge move aft and to offer help and guidance to my juniors.

So if you’re a boomer, here are some words of advice to you — and to members of Gen X and Gen Y who follow — to help you slide comfortably through your golden years:

1. Don’t drop things. When you drop something, you will have to pick it up, either because you need it or because your wife will nag you if you don’t (if you’re a wife, you’ll have to pick it up, because picking things up is in the nature of being a wife). To pick something up, you have to bend over, and then straighten up. You won’t like what happens then.

2. If you drop things, develop strategies for picking them up. And you will drop things. Your fingers will grow stiff, and your fingertips will lose their sensitivity. I’ve learned that if I pick things up with my toes and give them a slight flip, say onto the bed or a couch, I don’t have to bend over. A strategy that works with dirty laundry that lands on the floor is to kick it down the hallway to the stairs, then halfway down the stairs. You can then walk down the stairs two or three steps beyond the laundry. From there, you can pick it up without bending. A good walking cane can also serve as a picker-upper.

3. Wear loafers, even if fashion scorns them with the outfit you’re wearing. People understand that at your age, comfort comes first. The obvious advantage to loafers is that you can simply step into them without having to bend over to tie your laces. If you can get away with it, don’t wear socks. To pull them on, you have to — well, you get the picture.

4. Wear suspenders. If your middle bulges, they will enable you to avoid the discomfort of a tight belt. If your middle sags, they will save you the embarrassment of losing your pants.

5. Learn to use the rearview and side-mirrors in you car. As you grow older, neck muscles and back muscles will balk at turning to look behind. Some day, perhaps, all cars will have video cameras to guide you in backing and turning. If you’ve carefully planned for retirement, you may be able to afford one of those jewels now.

 6. Be judicious about following the fashion trends. You may envy the young fellow ahead of you with his cleavage grinning at you from above his belt line and his Fruit of the Looms. But before you adopt his style, picture his rear end furrowed with wrinkles, pocked with dimples and criss-crossed with varicose veins. That’s what you’ll look like. Don’t go there.

7. When you try on a pair of pants, let your hands drop naturally to your side. Will your fingertips reach the pockets? If your pockets are somewhere close to your knee, don’t buy them. If you do, you’ll get the bends every time you reach for your keys or your change.

8. Don’t let it go to your head when pretty girls (or handsome dudes) smile sweetly in passing. They’re not admiring your good looks. You’re reminding them of their grandparents. Or great-grandparents.

9.  Learn to appreciate wrinkles. It will help if you regard them as character lines. The older I get, the more beautiful they look on the feminine face. At least they look beautiful compared to the bill for cosmetic surgery. I’m happy for my wife to use whatever cosmetics will help her feel good about herself. I’d hate to put her under the knife and have her emerge looking like a ceramic doll, or worse, as though her eyes have migrated to her forehead.

10. Take full advantage of your age. Accept senior coffees and senior discounts eagerly. You’ve earned them, and merchants wouldn’t be offering them if they didn’t sense an advantage in the practice. When a young person opens a door for you, smile and say “Thank you.” But continue to open doors for ladies. People appreciate gallantry, even in codgers. And use your age, when possible, as an excuse for  your failings: “I’m sorry, I know your name, but my short-term memory is failing me.” “Gosh, officer, I thought I was within the speed limit, but at my age an 8 looks an awful lot like a 6.” “I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary, dear. You know how old age affects the memory.”

So there are my 10 helpful hints for surviving old age. All you boomers can express your thanks by uttering a collective “Oink!” when you emerge from the boa.     

Write Gene Owens at 315 Lakeforest Circle, Anderson SC 29625, or by e-mail at: WadesDixieco@AOL.com