The thing I've noticed about the current recession is that it's creating a whole new class of criminals.

I'm not talking about the professor at the University of Alabama at Huntsville who walked into a faculty meeting and killed three of her colleagues with a 9-millimeter hand gun. Spree shooters seem to be more common than they used to be, but I don't think the recession had anything to do with her rampage.

But the recession seems to be pushing more ordinary people over the brink and into the clink. Professional yeggs will tell you that these new guys are giving criminals a bad name with their amateurish approaches.

In the old days you had the pros who knew how to crack a safe or hold up a bank and could get away with it often enough to make it worth their while. I once had a man who came into my newspaper office complaining that he couldn't get food stamps even though he had been unemployed for years. When I asked how he had survived all those years of unemployment, he told me he had made his living as a burglar.

He had now reached retirement age and wanted to go home to his rocking chair and stop crawling through windows or jimmying doors. Unfortunately, he had neglected to open an IRA or to purchase an annuity while he was pursuing his professional career.

Another class of traditional lawbreaker includes people who habitually step outside the law and  fall into criminal behavior as a way of life. They can go into and out of jail without thinking too much about it.

My first job with a newspaper involved covering City Recorder's Court in Athens, Ga. It was the entry-level court that tried petty offenses.

I became familiar with the faces that appeared before Judge Olin Price week after week. In those days, you could land in jail just for being drunk on the streets. That was before drug dealing and its attendant mayhem crowded drunks out of their cells.

One gentleman was a regular on Monday's docket, since he spent every weekend keeping the bootleggers in business. On one particular Monday, Judge Price had gone through his entire docket without encountering Mr. Regular. I figured the man  had finally made it through a weekend sober. Then, about midway through his traffic docket, the judge was hearing a case involving a fender-bender.  As the witnesses lined up to be sworn in, my friend reeled down the aisle and took his place among them.

"Swear me in, Judge," he said. "I know all about this accident."

The judge sentenced him to 30 days in the City Stockade.’

I remember another case involving a creative soul who often landed in the Aiken County Jail in South Carolina. He managed to get the drop on a jailer one day, muscled his way out of the jail and hitched a ride into the hinterlands before he was caught and returned to custody. He then proceeded to write an account of his escapade, making it a parody of the Jack Webb classic, "Dragnet." He interrupted the narrative with a commercial for "Bubbly-Wubbly Yellow Grits," which he identified as the official grits of the Aiken County Jail.

So there were the pros and the habituals. But lately I've been noticing another type of criminal in the news — the rank amateurs who missed out on Lawbreaking 101 in their tour of the School of Hard Knocks..

Among them was the 67-year-old Air Force veteran who staged a bank hold-up to raise money to buy hearing aids and get his teeth fixed. President Obama should summon this guy to Washington to appear before the congressional committees who are trying to carve up his health-care proposal. If medical bills are driving people into lives of crime, something obviously needs to be done.

The veteran had gone through life with minimal encounter with the law. He had  experienced problems with his arteries, but had neglected treatment because he couldn't afford the cost. He eventually underwent bypass surgery, but couldn't find a job afterwards because of hearing loss. So he robbed two banks for a little over $5,600, just to raise money for hearing aids and dental work. A federal judge in Mobile, Ala., sentenced him to 3 years and 5 months. I hope he gets the medical care he needs while he's serving his time.

Another case involved an Alabama man who walked into a convenience store to buy cigarettes. I surmise that in these lean times he couldn't afford a proper weapon. So he raised his arms as if pointing a gun and said, "give me the money." The cashier was experienced enough to know the difference between a finger and a Glock, and she refused to hand over the loot. The clerk said the man seemed to be intoxicated, which makes sense. A sober robber knows better than to brandish an unloaded finger in a convenience store. The understanding cops charged him with the crime of "menacing," which could qualify him for 6 months in jail. Had they charged him with attempted robbery, he would be eligible for a considerably longer sentence.

Finally, there was the case of "Snuffy" Smith, a town councilman in Ider, Ala., who got into an argument with a police officer. The president's stimulus funds don't include money for arming municipal officials.  So Smith threatened to hit the officer with a staple gun. The officer responded by tasering the councilman and locking him behind bars.

You have to be careful with a staple gun. Those things can go off.

I don't expect the town of Ider to pass a staple gun-control ordinance, though. In Alabama,  the Second Amendment is sacred writ and, as the American Municipal Association would point out, staple guns don't kill people; angry college professors with 9-millimeter pistols kill people.

Readers may write Gene Owens at 317 Braeburn Drive, Anderson, S.C. 29621, or e-mail him at WadesDixieco@aol.com.