I’m sure you’ve heard the ubiquitous jokes that start, “Waiter, waiter there’s a fly in my soup!” to which the waiter/server responds, “Don’t worry sir that spider on your bread will soon get him!”

Chuckle if you will but be afraid, be very afraid of that last one. Although all the zinger rejoinders are amusing, that final admonition may not have come from the waiter/server or the host of “Fear Factor” (the reality show that challenges contestants to perform gross stunts to win money) but from the equivalent of quoting from the U.S. Food and Drug Administration!

Yep, the FDA says it is permissible to have a certain defined percentage of “natural contaminants” in our table food and food supplies in general. Folks, we’re talking maggots, mold, roaches, rodent filth (hair and excreta pellets), mildew, mammalian excreta, insect fragments, stones, and cigarette butts mentioned among others.

They go on to say that these levels are set “because it is economically impractical to grow, harvest or process raw products that are totally free of non-hazardous, naturally occurring, unavoidable defects.” But still we are the ones swallowing the stuff. Do you feel more comfortable knowing that they have “established criteria based on the reported findings (e.g., lengths of hairs, sizes of insect fragments, distribution of filth in the sample and combinations of waste found).”?

Here you are at the breakfast table commenting to your BH (Better Half), “Look honey, is that a fly antenna floating in my cereal bowl?” She peeks over the morning paper, assesses the snap, crackle and pop. “Not to worry, it’s less than half an inch.” Phew, that was close.

Then I sprinkle some cinnamon on the French toast. The hole in the shaker is clogged. I unscrew the top and dislodge the substance plugging the opening to discover that it seems to be … rodent hair. I’m relieved that it’s only four and not the 20 that is allowed.

According to a New York Times report last month, “you’re probably ingesting one to two pounds of flies, maggots and mites each year without knowing it.” In some cultures insects, rodents, and other vermin may be part of a standard diet providing needed protein and fiber. But hey, in our society where appealing packaging and labeling make it mandatory to list the servings per container, amount per serving, ingredients and percentage of daily nutritional value (even down to the location of the informational panel and its format and print size) why not also list the FDA allowable defects? Call it the Proportion Of Obnoxious Particles or POOP panel.

The FDA Booklet “The Food Defect Action Levels: Levels of Natural or Unavoidable Defects in Foods That Present No Health Hazards for Humans,” lists the acceptable levels of “defects” in many food products. The following is a sampling of some of the groceries/produce perched on the shelf and in your refrigerator (most of the level findings are from pre-harvesting processing): canned beets, 5 percent or more with dry rot; canned or frozen berries, mold count 60 percent and insects/larvae 10; frozen broccoli, 150 or more aphids and/or thrips and/or mites per half pound; ground paprika, 20 percent mold, 11 rodent hairs, 75 insect fragments; canned citrus fruit juices, 10 percent mold, 5 fly eggs, 1 maggot; canned sweet corn, insect larvae, cast skins and fragments whose aggregate length exceeds 12mm; cranberry sauce, 15 percent mold; macaroni and noodles, 4.5 rodent hairs per half pound; mushrooms canned and dried, 50 or more maggots per half pound of drained mushrooms; shelled pecans, 5 percent insect-infested, rancid, moldy, gummy, and shriveled or empty shells; peanut butter, 75 insect fragments or 2.5 rodent hairs per eight ounces; and sesame seeds, 5 percent insect infected or mold or 5mg mammalian excreta per pound.

The adulterants listing may be gross but not dangerous in that they pose no natural health risk. We have been consuming them in our daily diet, and the booklet further adds this encouraging disclaimer, “The defect levels do not represent an average of the defects that occur in any of the products — the averages are actually much lower. The levels represent limits at which FDA will regard the food product “adulterated;” and subject to enforcement action.”

So it need not be an epicurean to exclaim, “This food tastes like #@&*.” It could just be someone who read the FDA booklet.

Herb Kandel is an entrepreneur and a former human resources executive. hekan@mail.com.