Continuing with the thought about holiday expectations, I want to share a reader’s question with you. Let’s sit down with the remainder of the eggnog and discuss her question. Her question may be your thoughts as well.

Q. Ms. Cindy, I plan to make the same New Year’s resolution that I have made in the past. I want this coming year to be different. I want to actually keep my resolution. Here’s my problem. I always say I am going to lose weight but I never follow through. Is something wrong with me? I just don’t have any will power.

A. I am going to help you. I will not get into the psychology of change due to the space of this column but I will assist you in making the changes you need for success. The work will be in you. People will not be able to see your improvements at first. The work is not easy. I will need you to do a great deal of thought and written homework based on your thoughts. A tremendous asset would be if you actually take your written work to a Marriage and Family Therapist near you to share and discuss.

 We usually begin each new year with expectations and goals and dreams. Real life begins to creep in and before we know it we are back in our comfort zones, irritated with ourselves for not following through. The question should be, “What is preventing me from following through?”

Do you use food for comfort? Do you use food for pleasure? When we overeat we tend to enjoy it for the moment, even finding pleasure in the act. Then the horrible feelings begin to overtake us again; feelings of failure, feelings of disgust, embarrassment, or even shame. On the other hand, when we try to abstain from food we may begin to feel deprived.

 Write a list of feelings that accompany your eating habits. Do not change anything in your style of eating yet. I need you to experience and notice and write about your feelings first. List the negative feelings and the good feelings. We need to look at the list and notice the pattern emerging. After making this list, write about any historical aspects that may have shaped your relationship with food. Were you teased for being fat? Were you told to clean your plate to signify you were an obedient child? Things like this is what I mean by historical.

 Now write about the problems that have come as a result of your weight. Have you been passed over for a promotion? Have you been shunned by your friends?  Is your husband making negative comments concerning your looks? List them all and write about how each comment or problem makes you feel.

 Now write about your ideals that may accompany your need to lose weight? What do you think will be different if you lose weight? List the positive and negative. Is diabetes a factor in your life right now? Is shopping for clothing difficult? Do you think people will like you better? Think long and careful about your ideals here. Once you have this writing complete, ask yourself for the proof that each ideal will actually happen. You need proof in order to realize an ideal. If there is no proof, for instance, that someone will like you more, then where did you obtain that idea? If there is proof that diabetes will be eliminated with the loss of a certain number of pounds that is realistic and obtainable. Do you see where I am taking you in the part of the writing? You have to have realistic ideals in order to be successful with a goal such as weight loss.

 I work with patients that are opting for invasive procedures such gastric by-passes. The patients I usually see have such unrealistic expectations that even after a successful procedure they fail. They fail at weight loss because they were not emotionally prepared for the drastic changes. Those patients that choose to work hard with me to prepare themselves emotionally for the internal changes that must accompany weight loss are the most successful.

 Begin your writings as I have laid out for you in this response. Follow each paragraph and thought with a written discussion of its own. Please, please, please, take your writings to a Family therapist to discuss. You will be more successful if your New Year’s resolution is to look at your reasons for not losing weight in the past instead of actually trying to lose weight on beginning January 1st.

 Let me know if I can be of assistance. Good luck to you in finding the real you!

You may email me at cindyhwarren@yahoo.com with your questions. Till next month…continuing to instill hope in all things!

Ms. Cindy