Hello? Hello? You’re breaking up on me. Talk a little louder. What? Where are you calling from? Where? Oh, please! Give me a break! Who is this, anyway? Who?

Jesus Christ! I mean, Jesus, uh, Christ, uh, Sir! How nice to hear from you! I wasn’t expecting you to call. When did you start using the telephone? I thought you communicated with people through blinding lights on the side of the road, scary visions on Aegean islands, burning bushes that aren’t consumed, that sort of thing.

Oh no, Sir. You can certainly use the phone if you want to. Anything you want is okay with me. It’s a policy of mine to want whatever you want. I’m a big fan of yours. Always have been. You can count on me. Didn’t I read somewhere that all of creation was created through you? So it all belongs to you. Heck, the damned phone company belongs to you, so pick up the phone whenever you feel like it.

What’s that? Why that’s wonderful! People will be thrilled to meet you, thrilled, I tell you! And on Christmas Eve! That’s so appropriate.

As it happens---but you probably know this---we’ve actually been preparing for your arrival. We just weren’t expecting you to show up in person, in the flesh. But your way is fine, Sir. If you want to come in the flesh this Christmas Eve, we’ll be ready.

I’ve read about the first time you showed up in person. People didn’t recognize you and didn’t give you the respect due to someone of your station. They put you in a barn when you were born, then killed you when you grew up. That was a shame, Sir, a real shame. But it won’t happen this time. We’ve been worshiping and following you for a long time, and we know who you are. You’re royalty and we’ll treat you like royalty. This visit will be different. You’re going to love it this time!

Why don’t you come to the midnight Christmas Eve service at our church? That would be perfect. The church will be all decorated with greenery and poinsettias. The pew candles will be lit. The choir will be singing your carols. We’ll all be dressed in our holiday best. A few may have had one or two brandies too many at home before the service, but I know you won’t mind that. It’s part of the holiday spirit.

And would you like to preach at the service? Or better yet, celebrate the mass! What with your halo and all, complemented by our white damask chasuble with the gold applique, you’ll really shine. You’ll be the light of the world! And I’m sure the bishop will lend you his miter for the occasion. You do wear a miter, don’t you? I mean, aren’t you a bishop or something like that? A prince of the church? Patriarch of someplace or other?

Have you made arrangements for lodging while you’re here? Well, don’t give it a thought---I’ll handle it for you. You’ll stay at the Grand Hotel at Point Clear. That’s a historic inn and very elegant, let me tell you! I’ll make sure they give you the best room overlooking Mobile Bay and that there’s complimentary champagne on ice for you when you arrive.

What? Oh no, Sir. That wouldn’t be appropriate at all, and no one would understand it. Remember that you are King of kings and Lord of lords. Kings and lords have a certain standard to live up to, an image to maintain, and we simply will not have you spending the night down there with those people. Those people don’t follow your way like we do. Most of them are drunks and prostitutes and druggies and slackers on the public dole. They live on the streets because they’re lazy. They’re not like you and the rest of us, Sir. They have no place to lay their heads. They smell bad. They’re not our kind.

So here’s what we’ll do, Sir…Sir? Jesus? Hello? Are you still there? I think I’ve lost my connection to the Savior! Operator!

Richard H. Schmidt is a retired Episcopal priest, editor and author who lives in Fairhope. He can be reached at courier@gulfcoastnewspapers.com.